Figs and milk.

Dear Coquette,

Can you fall out of love with someone just as fast as you fell in love with them?
A helluva lot faster, actually.

Why am I obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex?
Because she used to touch your boyfriend’s penis.

Why would a woman claim to not be a feminist?
Because the world needs irony.

How do you cure a hangover?
Water and time.

Is doing a good thing still good if it’s to make you feel better?
If the good thing remains good independent of how it makes you feel, then yes.

I miss my ex-boyfriend who is a lying, spineless scumbag. I hate myself, how do I get over this?
Forgive yourself for missing him. (In other words, just quit hating yourself.)

What’s the best way to deal with emotional infidelity?
Honest communication.

How can you tell if a guy is using you for physical gratification or if he actually cares for you?
If I’m having consensual sex with a guy, it’s not possible for him to use me, because I accept personal responsibility for the decisions I make with my own body.

I’m 30 years old, in grad school, and I realized I’m just not that smart. What do I do?
Relax. Just do your best, try not to let people find out, and don’t use it as an excuse to quit.

He says he doesn’t want a relationship, but continues to tame my heart. Should I stop talking to him?
Nah, keep banging your head against that wall. Anyone who uses the phrase “tame my heart” needs to suffer a little bit longer.

How do I know when I love someone and I am not just lusting for them?
When you discover how little those two things have in common.

Is there even a point in being in a romantic relationship between the ages of 18 to 21?
No, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.

How do you know the difference between extreme introspection and absolute self-absorption?
Introspection tests the ego. Self-absorption indulges it.

Hello Dear Coke Talk, I have been following you since before you created a seperate tumblr, and I enjoy the cut-throat advice and wisdom you provide, and the aid you have given me indirectly through this blog.

But, I have a question/comment for you. In some of your posts you speak very negatively of religion. You’ve touched on the close mindedness of Christians.

My question for you is this, isn’t kind of close minded to lump and entire group of people like that? I am a Christian, but I don’t think less of people based on their own religious beliefs or who they go to bed with at night.

I’m not trying to show you that every Christian has an open mind. You and I both know that a majority of people in the Christian faith are what you assume them to be. Heck, I even assume them to be close minded.

What I am getting at is that there are Christians out there who are open-minded. Not all of us are alike.

Sure. Not all of you are alike, but what every practicing Christian has in common is enough for me to lump you all together and think less of you.

I don’t have to respect your beliefs. Respect is earned, sweetie.

That’s not close minded of me, by the way. I’m educated in comparative religion. I have the Bible, the Qur’an, the Bhagavad Gita, and the Tao Te Ching all next to one another on one of my bookshelves. Can you say that?

I doubt you’ve even taken the time to critically examine your own religion’s sacred texts beyond whatever Sunday school fantasy-adventure ride you were strapped down for as a child. Even if you have, you still identify as a believer, and all that tells me is that you aren’t enough of a rational thinker to separate myth from reality.

Listen, I get that you’re asking me for a Christian hall pass. You want me to wink and nod and tell you that you’re one of the good ones because you don’t think less of me for my lifestyle. Well, no. It doesn’t work like that.

You’re not doing me any favors by not condemning me. That sentiment isn’t an expression of open-mindedness. It’s an expression of tolerance, and you know what? Fuck your tolerance. I don’t need it.

You have a holier-than-thou attitude. Literally. Do you understand how condescending it is to be tolerated by someone like you? I don’t owe you respect just because you smile and pretend to show me some.

Part of the problem here is that you’re missing the point about what it means to be open minded. As a Christian, you’ve co-opted a set of canned answers to life’s greatest mysteries. It’s bullshit.

You don’t know any more about the nature of the universe than I do. All you’ve done is surrendered your rational thought to an ancient cult in exchange for peace of mind. That is inherently close minded.

Right now, all you’ve got is the potential for an open mind. Start asking questions. Examine your religion with a critical mind. Stop fearing the unknowable. Open yourself up to all possibilities and never surrender your rational thought.

Hopefully, you’ll stop being afraid of the insignificance of your life and the inevitability of your death, and you won’t need an imaginary friend in the sky to tell you everything will be all right.

Where/how did you get so wise? I don’t mean that ironically. In concrete terms, please.

Well, it sure as fuck wasn’t in church.

I’m not quite sure how to answer this really, because accepting the premise of the question makes me kind of a douche. Not that I’m one for false humility. I’ll admit that my IQ is probably higher than my credit score, but wisdom and intelligence aren’t the same thing.

Part of my charm comes from the fact that I grew up ugly and poor in the dirty south and now I’m cute as a fucking button on the west side of paradise. That contrast alone keeps me sharp. Plus, unlike the 85% of Americans who don’t even have a passport, I’ve seen a bit of the world.

But that’s the cheap answer. The real one is a bit more fucked up.

Whatever genuine wisdom I have comes from having faced my own mortality at an age when all my friends were preoccupied with sorority rush. I was forced to contemplate the very real likelihood of my own death without the benefit of having lived a full life, and I had to acknowledge some cold, sticky truths about the meaning of it all.

At first, all I did was freak myself out. Peering into an infinite regression is some scary stuff. Eventually though, I grew comfortable with my utter insignificance in an unimaginably vast universe, and I found that I had no need or desire to supplicate myself to a higher power. We are tiny specks of talking meat on a wet little ball in the middle of nowhere, and I’m perfectly okay with that. The pursuit of happiness is enough.

It’s a difficult concept to communicate, but all the athiest soldiers and godless cancer patients out there already know what I’m talking about. There is a freedom that comes from letting go, after you’re forced to completely jettison your ego. You can’t fake it, and if you’re lucky enough to live, it always stays with you.

All right, enough heavy shit. I’m off to the pool.

I’ve been reading your blog several months now, and I noticed that you often explain things in two ways that seem somewhat contradictory.

You write, “Anyone with the slightest sense of scale recognizes that nothing we do matters. In a universe so infinitely vast, our lives are entirely without meaning. The trick is being able to laugh at the abyss because you recognize the freedom it affords you,” but you also say things like in the last post about the importance of integrity.

I really am not attacking what you say, because I agree with both. I just am wondering how you (and I) can reconcile those two seemingly contradictory things. How can someone do whatever the hell they want, but with integrity? Isn’t that lawyer who works against gay marriage just doing whatever the hell he wants, because it pays the bill and “nothing we do matters”?

Honestly, I’m not sticking up for that person or trying to defend him, because I think that his job is pretty disgusting. But how can something be morally inappropriate through a nihilistic lens?

Just because nothing matters, that doesn’t mean you get to be a dick.

Nihilism isn’t moral relativism. The freedom that comes from embracing your insignificance has no bearing on morality. You’re still a human being. You still have a conscience. You are still obligated to play well with others.

Nobody gets to do whatever the hell they want. We live in a world filled with traffic lights and tax forms, and only sociopaths think their personal philosophy somehow nullifies the social contract.

There is no contradiction, because your universal insignificance itself becomes insignificant when faced with the day to day pursuit of happiness.

Shit doesn’t have to matter in any grand scheme for you to be a good person leading a happy life. It’s like, the impending abyss is always there, but fuck it.

Be cool and have a sandwich.